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Joke of the Day

"If I could be any enzyme It would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes."

"*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time* Me: SHUT UP *dog barks at burglar, one time* Me: It's like he just knew there was danger"

"What do you call it when someone accidentally gives you a handjob? A stroke of luck."

"I want to get a dog just so I can name it Stain That way when I take it to the park, and if it runs off, I can yell ""come Stain!"""

"I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday."

"People tend to think I'm a serial killer.... They don't think that for for very long though!"

"Billion Dollar Idea: Child-Cancelling Headphones"

"What do you call a sick bird who has crossed a national border without consent? An ILL-EAGLE! 2X COMBO"

"Awkward penguin http://tinypic.com/R/2lcwja/8"

"I'm no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it's 4AM and I'm making up words again."