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Joke of the Day

"*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time* Me: SHUT UP *dog barks at burglar, one time* Me: It's like he just knew there was danger"

"*Rolls window down* Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: is it because I'm literally running down the street pretending to be a car?"

"What's the best way to throw-up ?? Put a finger deep in your mouth and another one on your ass, if it still not working, inverse the fingers."

"Thanks for reminding me to ""have a safe trip."" I was going to roll down a cliff and let the river float me to my destination. Close call."

"Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because he can't run home"

"Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space."

"[in Batmobile] Superman: Hey Batman: Sup? S: Promise you won't be mad? B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!"

"""Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?"" ""Juicy Juice"" ""What? Are you sure? Why don't we-"" ""Juicy. Juice."""

"You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, ""concentrate""."

"Some dude just asked if I was ""herb friendly"". I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn't have thyme to discuss it."