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Joke of the Day
"Get off the goddamn Twitter, go out & live your life! I'll be here when you get back"
Next Joke
"I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me."
"yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men's shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn't choose"
"I'm not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone."
"summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell"
"What is Donald Trump's favorite flavor of Tic Tac? ..... Tempermint"
"And I don't want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn't cold, save it for the elves, Santa"
"The string of expletives that poured from my mouth when I woke up at 3 pm to realize my alarm didn't go off was pure smut poetry"
"Islam is a religion of peace Piece of you here, piece of you there"
"Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he's laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard"