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Joke of the Day

"Maybe I'm the good kind of fat like an avocado."

"If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on Twitter."

"I was raised by my father.. He's schizophrenic but he's good people."

"I'm starting a therapeutic cooking class for Parkinson's Disease patients. It's called ""Shake & Bake""."

"3 days before Christmas, my wife drops her 2007-era iPhone in a public toilet. I get the hint. She wants me to get her a much cheaper phone."

"I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals... fucking livid"

"ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES"

"A friend asked me ""As a young boy, was your mother very strict?"" I said ""Let's get one thing straight, my mother was *never* a young boy."""

"I had a dream I was completely weightless... I was like... 0mg!"

"Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it."