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Joke of the Day

"I just had a nice lunch in the park; homeless people don't have it so bad after all."

"Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't."

"LAZY EYE never date a girl with lazy eye. theyre always seeing someone on the side"

"How much do all the bones in the human body weigh? A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out."

"A physics teacher accidentally walks into the psychology classroom on her first day... Whoops wrong sub"

"I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day. Then I was like, ""That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes""."

"I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat."

"What's better than a paradox? A pair of nurses"

"Why didn't galactus consume the milky way? He was galactose-intolerant. I'm sorry."

"My friend said he'll shave his hair for the first time in forever... I told him it was a....*bold* move."