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Joke of the Day

"I just ran into a doorknob and swore at it but in all honesty, like 99.9% of my doorknob interactions all-time have been positive & helpful"

"What goes great with Alphabet Soup? Times New Ramen"

"When I text someone and they don't text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from over excitement."

"Sir, your resume is just a picture of you photoshopped into a quidditch match. No need for an interview, welcome to the White House"

"Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!"

"You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!"

"My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy"

"My complete lack of knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my achilles elbow. thanks, Mike!"

"What does a sick bird need? Tweetment."

"TIL That in 2014 Netflix announced they wouldn't be pursuing science-fiction themed original content. But Stranger Things have happened."