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Joke of the Day

"When I text someone and they don't text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from over excitement."

"I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday."

"What did they call that ancient philosopher from China who quoted a lot about a woman's pussy? cuntfucius"

"What do you call a rich frog ? A golf blooded reptile !"

"U2's Ireland shows have sold out. Expect a ticket through your letterbox any day now courtesy of Bono."

"At least Stevie wonder was faithful, he never saw any other women during his marriage."

"I went into panera the other day The clerk said, ""do you want a side of chips or a French baguette?"" I replied, ""never baguette."""

"Did ya hear about the cannibal lion with a huge ego? He had to swallow his pride"

"Programmers talking... \- So I heard you've got a new girlfriend? \- Yeah, she's amazing, 35-24-35! \- Deep purple?"

"What looks just like half a loaf of bread? Its other half."