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Joke of the Day

"Sir, your resume is just a picture of you photoshopped into a quidditch match. No need for an interview, welcome to the White House"

"Have you ever eaten a salad, then had a chickpea on your face?"

"Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch."

"According to the most current magazine in this doctor's office, every home in America will have a television by 1962."

"They say being a hostage is hard But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back."

"His homebuilt e-cigarette vapor mod with banana custard glycerine is so sexy... Said no girl ever"

"Why do women prefer 77 more than 69? Because they get 8 (ate) more. Repurposed from a /u/sciomancy6 comment."

"People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it's because of all the placenta I've been eating."

"I wish my grass was emo... so it would cut it self."

"What was Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE."