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Joke of the Day

"I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now but I'm still proud..."

"During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel."

"What is the difference between a physicist and a biologist? A physicist is atoms studying themselves, while a biologist is cells that study themselves."

"I'm going to the reverse origami championship tomorrow Can't wait to see how it unfolds"

"How many people does it take to circumcise a whale? Foreskin divers"

"I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes!"

"What if Voldemort's last horcrux was his virginity? Then Harry Potter would have to destroy it ofcourse."

"What's E.T. short for? Cos he's only got little legs"

"If you! Use exclamation points!! This often! I want to! Smother you!! And your enthusiasm! With a pillow!!!"

"Every time your kid starts crying when they don't get what they want, just say ""I don't negotiate with terrorists."""