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Joke of the Day

"The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap."

"My husband asked if I was wet enough.. I was so he told me to get the fuck out of the shower and make him breakfast or he was going to be late for work."

"She says talking to me is like talking to a kid. Therapist: And how many years has this been going on? *holds up 6 fingers* This many"

"I don't get why I got fired today I was just doing my job... Stalking"

"What did the little kid do with the dead battery? He buried it."

"if you have penciled-on eyebrows I can't hear a word you're saying because I'm staring at them"

"It's taking Arby's forever to fry my salad."

"I used to not get on with my mother-in-law but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!"

"Wanna know who I Netflix and Chilled with?"

"How do you know if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up."