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Joke of the Day

"She says talking to me is like talking to a kid. Therapist: And how many years has this been going on? *holds up 6 fingers* This many"

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"[talking to bouncer] Me:let me in Bouncer: not after last time Me:would a Washington convince you? Bouncer: no George Washington: c'mon man"
"There's way too much blood in my alcohol system today"
"You know you masturbate too much when... both hands pretend to be asleep."
"A dyslexic man... Walks into a bra."
"What's the best thing about fucking 93 year olds? NOTHING!!!"
"Why did the hamster die? He just didn't have the wheel to live."
"What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton? Bill has had sex in the White House."
"""I'll shave whoever I want! I'll shave you, I'll shave her! I'll shave a goddamn baby if need be!"" Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism"
"I dont trust atoms... I heard they make up everything."