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Joke of the Day

"A man walks into a bar... ...with a duck on his head. The bartender says, ""May I help you, sir?"" The duck says, ""Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."""

"Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins."

"I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos."

"Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes."

"If a woman gave in very fast it's not because of the man but the men that came before him."

"A sadist met a masochist... and said ""hurt me"" ""No"" said the sadist."

"Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley."

"There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice."

"What do you get if you cross a Rolls Royce with a vampire? A monster that attacks expensive cars and sucks out their gas tanks."

"What's Tim Cook's new nickname? Jack The Ripper"