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Joke of the Day

"I caught a friend betting on a hospitalized children's limbo contest... When I confronted him, I asked, ""HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?"""

"If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you're taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure"

"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together."

"I had this great joke about Thor... but thinking about it now, it's actually really low key."

"On the list of things I've learned today: 1. You're not allowed to walk a police dog 2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes"

"Teacher: ""Your composition on the assignment ""My dog"" is exactly like your brothers... ...did you copy it?"" Boy: ""No, it's the same dog!"""

"Wife has been adding a little baby oil to her baths, which is cool because I have always wanted to quickly be laying down in the shower."

"well technicaly my oficial title is ""head research scientist in the field of DNA sequencimg manipulation"" but u can call me ""gene hack man"""

"Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door"

"I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time... I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch"