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Joke of the Day

"Just thought I caught my wife looking at porn; turns out she was shopping for underwear for herself. What a fucking pervert."

"hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?"

"The three biggest lies in Wyoming... ""I won this belt buckle in a rodeo, my trucks paid for and I was just helping that sheep over the fence."""

"Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said ""because it's my ex's Twitter handle"" before."

"Of course climate change is man-made. It's all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg."

"Guarantees in life 1. Death 2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill"

"Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time."

"College students... Thief: ""Give me all your money !"" Me: ""I'm a college student..."" Thief: ""... Have some of mine."""

"Do you know the time ? No we haven't met yet !"

"Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame that they'll never meet..."