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Joke of the Day

"Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?"

"Why did the ant crawl up Princess Kate's stocking? To go to the grand opening. Why did the ant crawl up Prince Williams' trousers? To get to the royal ball."

"What's the fastest way to lose weight? Puking and shitting at the same time."

"I said hi to Ellen Pao today She told me to stop being sexist"

"Who is a chemist's favorite Game of Thrones character? Stannous Baratheon."

"My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson."

"Could you play us a song? Cat Stevens: Maybe. *Sets guitar on table* Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*"

"Yea, go ahead and destroy that spider's web. It's not like he spent a week making it so he can kill bugs that are in your house. Asshole."

"the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates"

"Why does beer go faster through you than milk? Unlike milk it doesn't have to change color. Why does Budweiser go faster through you than beer? Unlike beer it doesn't have to change taste."