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Joke of the Day

"Yea, go ahead and destroy that spider's web. It's not like he spent a week making it so he can kill bugs that are in your house. Asshole."

"I want to start a towing company. I'll name it Jaques Crew Tow."

"How did LaKeisha's Mom finally stop her from bouncing on the trampoline in the rec room? She put a piece of velcro on the ceiling."

"Did you hear about the housing prices in Baltimore? I hear they're a riot!"

"What do you call a weird Russian? Off-Putin."

"*Giving TED talk* Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair! *he does and a mousetrap snaps* Me: trust no one *audience claps*"

"Why exactly did the teenage mutant ninja turtles need to wear masks? That shit doesn't fucking add up."

"To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!"

"What would you call Macaulay Culkin if he was black? Homie alone"

"11yo son just walked by. If Axe was a drug, I'd be stoned right now."