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Joke of the Day

"Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit."

"Doctor: Are you on any antidepressants? Me: You mean like nachos? Yes."

"My superpower is being able to talk to dead people... they can't talk back, though."

"I don't watch World Cup soccer. If I wanted to see grown men struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd go to a bar."

"The book I'm reading says ""4-6 years"" on the cover, but there's only like 6 words on each page. I'll be finished by the end of the week."

"I'll take a Clooney, and 2 Upton's please. Turned to my wife and said, ""Amazon is buying Twitch for 1 billion. She said ""the dancer?"" . . yea hun, the dancer."

"Teacher asks a question Teacher: ""whoever answers my next question can go home"" Jimmy throws his bag out the window Teacher: ""who just threw that?"" Jimmy: ""that was me"""

"What do you tell someone who doesn't like Depeche Mode? Enjoy the silence."

"The White House is putting on a play adaptation of Modern Family. When asked which character he wanted to be, Obama said ""Uhhh...let me be Claire."""

"I'm selling a WWII relic.... A beautiful French rifle. It's never been fired and only dropped once."