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Joke of the Day

"What do you get when you run a canary over with the lawnmower? Shredded tweet."

"LOL pills that say don't take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU suggest I take my medication then?"

"I'm dressing up as Bernie Sanders for halloween I'm going to take the candy from the rich kids and give it all to the poor ones"

"Whenever our neighbor's dog is barking, I know there's either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened."

"What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap? Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

"If I was a video game character, the 'B' button would activate my special move: Avoiding conversations."

"Have you heard of the musical condoms? They started a rubber band."

"WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams? WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes"

"Hey Nikon, just a friendly heads-up here... NOBODY gives one single fuck what camera Ashton Kutcher uses."

"I can deal with shootings and police harassment. But it's January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music. Time to leave the ghetto"