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Joke of the Day

"Wife: I told you to baby proof the house! Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that."

"What does a five year old and a penis have in common? If it doesn't come when you tell it to, then just beat it harder. (I am so sorry)"

"How do mussels reproduce? They shuck eachother."

"I wish my girlfriend was more like my job... My job sucks dick!"

"Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never 'accidentally' hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad."

"A world without women... Would be such a pain in the ass."

"Procrastination Paradox... If you come in last in a procrastination contest because you procrastinated, does that make you the best or worst at procrastinating...???"

"Know the best part about dead baby jokes? They never get old..."

"A new study discovered Scientists have discovered a new phenomenon while studying one side of a road on which a bull was staying on They call this phenomenon: Curb-On-The-Ox-Side"

"I didn't spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady..."