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Joke of the Day

"[first date] me: don't let her know you vocalise everything you think her: what? me: shit she knows"

"Last year for Christmas I got my little brother an abacus in the shape of a medieval Stronghold... He hated it and was really ungrateful. Our dad said ""Hey! It's the fort that counts."""

"Johnny asked his grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, ""No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could fuck in one night."""

"What does Fozzie the Bear do when he can't find a ride? Walk-a Walk-a"

"To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find ..."

"How does a baritone make phone calls? Song distance!"

"[Wall Street] ME: haha Hump Day, amiright? HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes* ME: eh? *nudge* HD: Dude don't- ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit"

"Everyone asks me if I'm in a relationship with the blind girl that I recently met... But I'm just seeing her."

"How to clickbait"

"Never drink water after eating fish !!! Your stomach might become an aquarium. PS not mine read it somewhere"