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Joke of the Day

"I decided to put some ketchup in my eyes... ...but in Heinzsight, it wasn't a good idea."

"I think it was stupid of David Bowie keeping his cancer a secret. The amount of likes he would have got on Facebook would have saved him ten times over."

"Ew, I bet people who call people hipsters as an insult don't even have a favorite kombucha flavor"

"Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him."

"I'm pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, 'I'll take a number two', multiple times so she could laugh at me."

"I tried to eat soup with a fork. It was a strain."

"What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip? Recalculating route."

"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, a comma has a pause and the end of it's clause."

"Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A. ""Rough rough""."

"The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch."