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Joke of the Day

"[reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better."

"How does a Jewish man know his wife died? Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up."

"I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line... Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck..."

"Did you hear the one about the sidewalks? It's all over the streets."

"How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, he fell."

"Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?"

"If ANY of my posts have made even one person's day better,, then there's something seriously wrong with that person"

"*wife sees me crying* Her: What's going on? Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet? They think I'm pee!"

"What Do You Call A Sleep Walking Nun? A Roamin' Catholic."

"Why did the tractor trailer mechanic always have half an erection? Because he was constantly nursing a semi."