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Joke of the Day

"[reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better."

"Saying ""I'm sorry"" is the same as saying ""I apologize"" ...Except at a funeral."

"I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like ""We can make this work."""

"If you rearrange the letters of Fat Tuesday it becomes Fatty as Due. I don't know what that means but as you can tell I'm really bored."

"What do you call a monkey named James that's afraid of everything? Jim-pansy"

"You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they're chewing"

"When I was younger, I was afraid of the dark. Now I see the electric bills, and became afraid of the light."

"I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn't even at work. He heard from home."

"According to movie trailers, 98% of white kids are possessed by the devil."

"Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse."