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Joke of the Day

"My mom just got me off of work early. I love when she comes by the office. *Literally just happened"

"I turned to her and said ""We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?"" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back."

"If a stork symbolizes birth what type of bird symbolizes birth control? A swallow"

"What's pink has five toes and is carried by the Easter Bunny? His lucky people's foot!"

"no, no-- i'm pro-life only until the baby is born. after that the baby must exist in a hellworld of preventable disease and gun violence"

"""They like to buy t-shirts reminding each other of the words from movies they have seen and enjoyed"" - me finishing my report on humans"

"I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years I don't have 2020 vision"

"What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis!"

"Why didn't Thor like the party? It was too Loki."

"I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, ""Oi, what's your disability?"" I said, ""Tourettes! Now fuck off!"""