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Joke of the Day

"""I've been trying to recapture my lost youth... I really need to get that cellar door fixed."" ^^^^^^. ^^^^^^^. Gary Delaney."

"[having heart attack] HELP...CAN'T...MOVE ME: Dude, are you ok?! [faintly] CALL...ME...A...DOCTOR ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!"

"What advice to cows give? Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!"

"Why are urologists selfish? Because they're all about number one"

"My phone tried to auto-correct ""f*cking"" to ""f*ck king,"" and I was like hell yeah I am."

"I just had to add ""velociraptor"" to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something."

"A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says, ""Show me it's true what they say about black men."" So he stabs her and steals her purse."

"So Helen Keller walks into a bar Then she walks into a table. Then she walks into a lamp. Then she walks into the wa- ok, you get the idea."

"What happened to the guy who cooled himself to -273.15 C? He was 0K."

"So I harvested my tomato today, it's bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it."