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Joke of the Day

"So I harvested my tomato today, it's bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it."

"What did the spy say at the glass beach? *The coast is clear*"

"What do you get when you sleep with someone and it goes really well? High sexpectations."

"What's worse than finding a worm on your apple? The Holocaust"

"Wife: you're drunk Me: no'm not Wife: I'M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE Wife: Me: ok lil bit"

"If a woman falls in the kitchen and I pretend not to hear it, does she still hear the sound of me tweeting about it?"

"Why were the flies playing football in saucer ? They where playing for the cup !"

"I think my organ donor girlfriend wants to break up with me. She just doesn't have the guts to do it."

"I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks... I didn't want to interrupt her."