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Joke of the Day

"My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???"

"Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you're talking about or are they from the internet?"

"What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer? An attornity."

"There will never be a 'Previously on' preview where my stoner husband doesn't say, 'We've seen this one.'"

"What's a martian's favorite wine? Chardonayy."

"Armageddon... ...tired of all these Rapture jokes."

"How did one tire get the attention of another tire? pssssssssssst"

"*Batman happily approaches Batmobile* Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco. *Defeatedly gets in Batvan*"

"""The trash compactor is full so just dump that in a pan for now."" - Inventor of the fruit cake."

"I too like my women like I like my laptop. Laying there dying, while I masturbate to it."