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Joke of the Day

"Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them."

"How many bad joke tellers does it take to screw up a - wait, shit."

"When people tell me I'm intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back."

"*on death bed* priest: any regrets my child? *montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it* me: uhhhhh"

"I get really sad whenever I go to Florida It just seems to be a tropical depression"

"What does every funeral begin with? fun!"

"Went to the dog car dealership. I could tell the salespeople were friendly, since I got all the Volkswagen at me!"

"A lady says to the psychiatrist, ""I think I might be a nymphomaniac."" He says, ""I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."" She says, ""How much for all night?"""

"I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived. When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order"

"Don't forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram."