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Joke of the Day

"Me: Play dead My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*"

"Have you heard the best dad joke? He was the groom's father. Not part of the joke: Yes I made that up in the shower this morning."

"You know those voices in your head? Choose the smartest, sanest one and call it you."

"Your skin looks great do you use concealer? I dab."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cricket ! Cricket who ? Cricket neck means I can't lift anything !"

"I want to get a dog just so I can name it Stain That way when I take it to the park, and if it runs off, I can yell ""come Stain!"""

"Divorce.... Is the fucking you get for the fucking you got!"

"The Great White Whale just unveiled a sculpture of the Rolling Stones frontman made of mud brick... Moby Dick's Adobe Mick."

"McDonald's is opening their first restaurant in India. Employees must ask if you want flies with every order."

"The ACLU has informed me that Mother's Day is too inclusive. So Happy Everyone Gay Pride AIDS Awareness Aboriginal Illegitimate Child Day!"