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Joke of the Day

"You ever click a link thinking you're going to get a free iPad, but all you get is a million emails? No? Yeah, me either."

"I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so... I'm drinking if you're buying."

"Moses joke Moses was the first person to use Control+C as a shortcut."

"Wanna go out with me? Make an awkward face for yes. Name the entire periodic table for no."

"How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away."

"I'm basically shuffling papers and watching the clock until the next Batman movie."

"Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral Friend: what? that's not a giraffe Me: sorry I'm on drugs at your grandmas funeral"

"I'm going to name my dick Pride. So when I fuck your mom, she will be filled with Pride."

"A girl tells her Irish mom she wants to be a prostitute. 'A WHAT?' The mother shouts. 'A prostitute' replies the girl. 'OH thank god!! I thought you wanted to become Protestant!"

"It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.."