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Joke of the Day

"If you don't think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque."

"*playing Mortal Kombat* Her: Can I try? Me: Sure. Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie? Me: Hadouken? Her: Yea. Me: Leave."

"I've never seen squirrels fucking, but they've never seen me fucking either, so we have that in common."

"Where do you take a sick wasp? To waspital."

"Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don't remember buying any of this stuff. Or having an Asian baby."

"What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands? A pocket watch."

"The Ikea corporation was found not guilty yesterday for assassinating a rival companies CEO. While there were several damning pieces of evidence, the detectives couldn't seem to put the case together."

"It's terrible waking up with regret. Perhaps if she changed her name I'd feel better."

"Hell hath no fury like a woman whom you won't let see a picture of her you just took."

"Some people are like Slinkies... They're not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."