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Joke of the Day

"*playing Mortal Kombat* Her: Can I try? Me: Sure. Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie? Me: Hadouken? Her: Yea. Me: Leave."

"Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework."

"My daughter gets all bossy when we're playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she's at school I play with them the way I want."

"Me: Got a hot date this weekend? Coworker: Ummm...no. Me: I know. I was just reminding you. Coworker...."

"The teacher asked her class, ""Who can make a sentence containing 'defense', 'defeat', and 'detail'?"" Little Johnny puts up his hand and says, ""Defeat of de dog went over defense before detail"""

"Granny, pay attention and don't panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan."

"Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I'm in it"

"How does a Jew make coffee? He brews it."

"*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* ""are you expecting a child?"" ""no thats from all the beer"""

"Just changed my Facebook name to No one' So when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say No one likes this'."