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Joke of the Day

"Her: I like smart guys Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase"

"Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you."

"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two! But don't ask me how they got inside there."

"Got to admire these NFL players who are so committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of people that they do it even in their off time."

"I went for a run and got back two minutes later because I forgot something, I forgot I'm fat and can't run for more than two minutes."

"I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday."

"At the Airport Customs: Where is your passport Me: *hands credit card* Customs: You can't bribe me Me: It's my visa"

"No thanks, dentist's office that used to be a house"

"What is the flattest surface to iron your jeans on? ...a white girl's ass! (I AM a white girl, BTW, so don't start with me about racism)."

"Why are there no female serial killers ?? Because after the first kill, they have to tell someone."