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Joke of the Day

"[Getting waterboarded] ""Um, sir the subject isn't responding to interrogation, he's just getting bigger"" [Me, a sponge] ""MwahahaHAHAHAA"""

"How do you make a cat bark? Wrap it around a tree"

"If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item."

"i bet you spend all your money pizza and hookers. Pssh Dad, i dont spend money on pizza thats ridiculous."

"""Rocky, come here, good boy. Sit down. Sit in the sofa...siiitttt!!!"" said Sean Connery."

"I'm dying, call me an Ambulance. Dad: Okay Dying, you're an ambulance."

"[NSFW] A guy accidentally took sleeping pills instead of Viagra... he couldn't get up."

"What did the doctor say to the man wearing cling-film? I can clearly see you're nuts"

"As an organ donor I wonder if there's some box I can check that might prevent my organs from keeping Dick Cheney alive?"

"Friend: ""I just blew a speaker in my car."" Me: ""Which kind?"" Friend: ""Motivational."""