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Joke of the Day

"Me: Which cup do you want? 2-year-old: That one! Me: Let's pick a different one. 2-year-old: No! *drinks milk from a shot glass*"

"What's the difference between a slice of toast and an Iraqi..? You can make soldiers out of a slice of toast"

"Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won't work. I was married for 6 years."

"Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?"

"[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister] me: so...did you like the movie? caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*"

"My girlfriend is always such a sourpuss. Maybe I should stop using lemon flavored condoms."

"Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath? Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel wet the soap and flood the bathroom."

"DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there"

"What does Charlie Sheen call his penis? The HIV shiv."

"print out the lyrics to ""Girls Just Wanna Fun"" and draw a red X through it all and you have the Quran, pretty much"