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Joke of the Day

"Me: Which cup do you want? 2-year-old: That one! Me: Let's pick a different one. 2-year-old: No! *drinks milk from a shot glass*"

"Why can't the Maple Leafs have any tea? Because Boston has all the cups!"

"What do you get when eating toast in bed? Un-crumb-fortable"

"What do you call an Ethiopian woman with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese"

"A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast."

"[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel] Date: The wine is lovely great choice Me: *helplessly slips off chair*"

"Never trust a sweet talker.. They probably just want you to undo the zip ties so they can escape."

"My dad died in Auschwitz He was crushed by a man falling out of a guard tower."

"What did the boy say when his dog died? I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend."

"If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day? November thirst."