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Joke of the Day

"A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast."

"If I were to ask you out, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?"

"I don't celebrate Valentine's Day ever since I took a girl out for heart shaped pizza and I realized it was smaller than normal pizza."

"I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'"

"And then I realized, it's not that I love documentaries. I just love establishing shots of courthouses."

"A terrorist walks into a bar... He orders a Molotov Cocktail"

"CASHIER: what, no tip? ME: here's a tip: always wear a seat belt CASHIER: no, i meant money ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)"

"When life gives you lemons Drink the kool-aide"

"What do you call a rainbow of Jeeps in the driveway? Roy Jeep Biv"

"To the lady who keeps banging on my door at night.. I'm not letting you out."