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Joke of the Day

"No. I'm not pregnant. That's my liver."

"In my math homework I was asked what's the difference a racist and a mathematician. I need help solving this equation, maybe one of you could ask one of your Asian friends for me?"

"My Ex girlfriend works in a pharmacy, so whenever I want to spoil her mood I'll just go there to buy condom for no reason. Sometimes I'll go 3 times a day..."

"""Why do you hate me?"" - me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon"

"This could just be the coffee talking but AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *lights car on fire*"

"What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths? Lefty!"

"A new report indicates Brazilians no longer support the 2016 Olympics They're too busy raising the team for the 2036 Special Olympics."

"The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn't disappoint."

"If Twitter was any more fun we'd have to smuggle it in from Mexico."

"Hope I'm never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number."