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Joke of the Day

"Why don't any pirates live in Kansas? Because they all live in *Ar*kansas."

"I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems"

"I once took a ski away from an Eskimo... Then he dressed in black and got real depressed"

"How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years."

"What did the melon say to his daughter after she tried to get married? You cant-elope!"

"I was watching the women's Golf earlier. They couldn't drive, but boy, can they use an iron."

"Gay men are fucking assholes"

"I can't get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won't count"

"Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I'm nervous. *vomits* HR guy: Umm...you sure about that? Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I'm just super drunk right now"

"Where can you leave your dog when you shop? The barking lot."