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Joke of the Day
"It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars."
Next Joke
"[first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)"
"Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you. Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon? [from my stomach] I'm right here"
"Women seem to think I'm an asshole... but I prefer to think of myself as an opposite sex offender."
"How do you know a black woman is pregnant? When she pulls out the tampon, the cotton's been picked clean."
"Did you hear about player safety in the super bowl? Both teams suffered from blackouts"
"What's the fastest way to drive through Louisiana? Drive the route with Les Miles! ... I'll see myself out."
"LPT: If you're trying to get over a crush just imagine them taking the wettest dump ever. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of shit."
"If I played Edward Scissor Hands in paper, rock, scissors every once in a while I'd throw a paper in there so he wouldn't feel too bad."
"Dad: ""Son, if you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind."" Son: ""I'm over here Dad."""