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Joke of the Day

"[first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone"

"A vegan, a vaper, and a Pitbull owner walk into a bar... ...I'd tell you what they said but I have no idea because none of them would shut up."

"Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp."

"Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb."

"For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, ""I'm a nudist."" I haven't worn it yet."

"Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean? Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth."

"What do you call something that swims, is big and has 4 legs? A whale with a table taped to it."

"How did the crazy man get across the forrest? He took the psycho path. ( )"

"I plan to watch some movie with girlfriend this evening. Can somebody recommend a girlfriend?"

"The neighbours dogs woke me up last night barking loudly. So I threw my shoes out of the window at them and that shut them up. It was a pair of hush puppies."