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Joke of the Day

"I figured out why prostitutes always look tired and haggard. Their job is a lot of fucking work."

"Why did everybody where white pants at The Masters? Dustin Johnson sneezed."

"[bedroom] TRANSFORMER WIFE: Honey, this is silly. I'd never cheat on you. TRANSFORMER HUSBAND: Okay....hey, when did we get that wardrobe?"

"My sex party was a big disappointment... Nobody came."

"What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death? Isaac Newton died a virgin. Repost."

"Kanye West is now on Twitter. Since he doesn't follow anyone, not only will he not let you finish, he's not gonna let you start, either."

"Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions Me: *sweating* BP: They aren't even illegal"

"What do you call a gay dinosaur? Gagsalotofdong"

"Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool so I decided to give him a glass of water."

"Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home."