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Joke of the Day

"Me: Go to bed 5-year-old: One more question Me: Fine 5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter? Me 5: Me: Get some coffee"

"Ladies, if you don't want to answer a question from a guy, say, ""I already TOLD you. You never listen."" We have no idea if you're lying."

"Excuses are like assholes... Fuck 'em"

"Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, ""Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?"""

"What does E.T stand for? Because he hasn't got a chair!..... sorry."

"What's the difference between a woman and a video game? I don't get an erection when I beat a video game."

"Whats the difference between a steak, an egg, and a blow job? You can beat your meat and beat an egg, but you sure cant beat a blow job"

"I may have dry humped the Oreo section at the supermarket today, but I'm not telling. Just kidding, I totally did!"

"Guy went to the toilet, took the piss."

"I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds."