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Joke of the Day

"Wife: I'm glad you're watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends? Husband: These would be your Sister Wives"

"Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time."

"I like my women like I like my trail mix... With nuts."

"Scroll Scroll Scroll your phone, gently down the screen. Merilly Merrily Merrily Merrily MY GOD THAT'S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!"

"How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her."

"I went to a zoo the other day and all they had there was a dog in a cage... it was a shih tzu"

"Looking at a playground, how can you tell which kid is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide and can't swing."

"When I'm feeling down. I just remind myself that I've won just as many Oscars as Leonardo Dicaprio"

"So, I friended Paul Walker on XBox. Sadly though, he's always on the dashboard."

"If by ticklish, you mean I'll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I'm a little ticklish."