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Joke of the Day

"TIFU by pooping on my girlfriend Sorry for the shit post"

"I finally finished baby proofing the house. Let's see those babies get in here now."

"Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 3) Turning water to wine 2) Raising Lazarus 1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs"

"""Money isn't everything,"" I say, poorly."

"Why is Dublin the capital of Ireland? Cause it keeps on Dublin and Dublin."

"Why did the vegetables invite the mushroom to their party? They heard he was a fungi"

"Officer: have you been drinking? Me: no sir 0: you were swerving M: Twitter O: oh, I'm on Twitter what's your handle M: yes, I was drinking"

"ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing. LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?"

"I'm not saying all my friends are Pot Heads But we did have a 2 hour discussion on how Sponge Bob Grills underwater"

"I've found that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... Until you try to flatter someone in a wheelchair."