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Joke of the Day

"I couldn't decide how much lettuce to buy Until someone helped me think it through. Turns out, two heads are better than one."

"Some guy had a concrete bench as his memorial. Seems odd but it's genius; he's dead and still getting ass."

"Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator."

"1. Rage against the machine. 2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in. 3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding."

"What's the difference between my daughter and my wife? I need viagra to maintain erection with my wife."

"That awkward moment when people text you first and then don't keep the conversation going."

"Womens are crazy And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

"Four years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. (not an original)"

"I'm not saying your dumb. I'm saying you're dumb."

"I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day"