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Joke of the Day

"A friend wants me to try speed dating, but I'm not sure that finishing *even faster* is going to help me with the ladies"

"Why do elephants and stoners get along so well? ....uh.. I don't remember.."

"Her: I'm going to the gym Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine"

"What do you call a hand job from Stephen Hawking? A stroke of Genius."

"Get-rich-quick schemes rarely make much cents"

"I've never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close."

"Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw."

"Why don't you slip into something more comfortable ...like a coma."

"I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it."

"With Facebook, you can stay in touch with people you would otherwise never talk to, but that's only one of the many awful things about it"