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Joke of the Day

"Turned out the lights I started walking down the stairs, and I flipped the light switch to off. It wasn't a bright idea. I'll see myself out."

"11:30 - Sit on toilet, open Twitter. 11:54 - Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs. 11:55 - Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter."

"The flag in the moon is fading into an all white flag Future generations will believe the French were there."

"My 5-year-old blames me when things go wrong and takes all the credit when they go right. She'll be a CEO someday."

"Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 30 percent off"

"What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck."

"""Doctor, Doctor... I've had diarrhea for 3 days, and I think it might be hereditary"" ""Hereditary? What makes you think it's hereditary?"" ""It's in my jeans"""

"""Wouldn't it suck to be homeless? Come try it."" -- campgrounds"

"Just found out that ""3 Men and a Baby"" isn't a movie about Jesus's birth."

"Did you hear about the dyslexic marathoner who would only eat shellfish the night before races? He was crabo-loading."