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Joke of the Day

"If Alcoholics Had Written The Declaration Of Independence would we have government of the pickled, by the pickled, and for the pickled?"

"What does a calculus teacher say when a student doesn't get it? Bro, do you even function?"

"You're so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you."

"Took a random unmarked pill I found on the floor because times are tough and no matter what happens it'll make for good tweets."

"The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can."

"The man who invented the jigsaw has died. May he rest in pieces."

"whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper ""dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow"""

"According to the bank clerk, the robber was most likely to be a redditor... ...He seems to have screamed ""Thanks for the gold, kind strangers!"" as he ran away with the money."

"This woman I met last night says she wants a guy who is ""spontaneous and fun"". Yet when I tapped on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it is all panic and screaming."

"I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure"