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Joke of the Day

"Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game? Me: because mommy isn't there to do it."

"Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it's expected that you'll continue to speak w/accent after you're hired"

"Helen Keller joke thread anyone? Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide? You would too if your name was WHHAARRFFUUURRRRGGGGRRRSSSHHHAAAAALLLLLLOOOPPPPMMMNNN!!!!!"

"Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions."

"My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear."

"Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to tell me. I guess that's why he lost his job in disaster relief."

"Most people have 32 teeth, some have 10... It's simple meth."

"Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes? A prism."

"I met this gorgeous girl on the subway... and I said to her, ""do you know the different between lunch and a blowjob"" ""no"" Ok, lets go to lunch then."

"So a cannibal walks into a hospital delivery room And the doctor says, ""can I help you??"" The cannibal says, ""I'll have what she's having."""