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Joke of the Day

"Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game? Me: because mommy isn't there to do it."

"Two pretzels were walking down the street... ...one was a salted."

"What do you call an alcoholic with Parkinson's? Shakespeare (say it out loud)"

"What is Scooby Doo's favorite program language? Ruby Ruby Roo!"

"I like my women how I like my cars... Stuck in my garage once I'm done with them."

"1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos"

"SB50 Panthers and Broncos coin toss Hillary won the coin toss"

"I told the bartender I'll have a Lou Gehrig's Disease. It's a tall glass of tequila. You drink half of it, stand up to make a speech, drink the second half of it, and you're dead."

"I'm off to pick the kids up from school. Before their parents get there."

"My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say ""You can see me?"""