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Joke of the Day

"I hate when job recruiters ask me where I see myself in 5 years. Like come on, dude, I don't have 2020 vision."

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"If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I'd call it Pubic's Cube or The Razor's Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or"
"""Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep."" *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE"
"[on phone with debit fraud] Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all Me: DUDE IT'S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE BG: M: Sometimes. Yes"
"MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent. Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home."
"Why did the doorman get a raise? He was always out standing."
"My roommate and I don't get along. It's because I'm a cat person and she's a bitch."
"What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work? Antifistamines."
"Why do aliens only abduct white people? Because they are easier to see in the dark."
"What does Islamic extremists and skydivers have in common? they're both Paris shooters"
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