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Joke of the Day

"""Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep."" *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE"

"I'm only 19 and my eyesight is constantly getting worse. When do I get Adult Supervision?"

"If you look in the mirror & say ""pumpkin spice latte"" 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall"

"What gets louder as its gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor."

"Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor who killed everyone? He had locomotives."

"*gives joke answer to daughter's 75th consecutive question* [20 years later, she's in an office] ""Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973"""

"My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs."

"Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world. Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything? Netflix: no"

"COLLEGE MEMORIES: After the girl I was kissing used my bathroom, I noticed my toilet seat was left up. So I asked if I could suck her dong."

"Hillary Clinton sucks! No she doesn't, because if she did Bill wouldn't have Monica."